So, your friend just had a miscarriage. You feel bad for her, but honestly you just can’t relate. You don’t know how to respond. You’ve never been in her shoes. You can’t grasp all the emotions she must be feeling. You just don’t understand what it’s like to be in her reality. Well here’s the truth, it’s okay that you don’t get it. It isn’t about the cause it is about the effect. The loss of the baby was the cause, but the grief and sorrow is the effect.
Remember, Jesus mourned with Mary & Martha not because Lazarus was dead (for Jesus knew he was going to raise him from the dead). He didn’t mourn with them because He had a similar experience. He mourned with them because they were hurting.
You don’t have to suffer a miscarriage or stillbirth to show compassion to someone who has. You can be a support without knowing the right words. Yes, it will be hard and it could be uncomfortable, but don’t pull away or distance yourself. Reach out with love because God calls us to comfort those who are in any affliction, as He has comforted us.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (ESV)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
The loss of a child is devastating, but the months and year(s) that follow can be unbearable when left to grieve alone. I am so grateful for the friends and family who have supported me this year. If you’d like specific ideas on how you can support a friend or family member who loss a child this post from The Humbled Homemaker has great suggestions. It is a good read for all because at some point you will probably know someone that is walking this road.
Even if you have lost a baby you still can’t know what the other person is going through. I have lost 5 that I know of. Each one the grief was different. My first was a set of twins and they would have been my first children. The grief was unbearable. When people would say “I know how you feel” the first words out of my mouth was “No you don’t you can’t know how I am feeling.” It may have been mean but I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I never, ever tell someone who has lost a child “I know how you feel”. I will tell them I am sorry for your loss and I might say I know how I felt when I lost my 2 or one of my other 3 miscarriages yet I won’t say “I know how you feel”. Every one my feelings were different. With my twins I was totally devastated. I accused everyone of keeping my children from me. (which was ridiculous because I was only 8 weeks pregnant.) With my sons twin sister I was sad but I knew she had medical problems and I knew that she would be better with God than here on the earth.
My suggestion to anyone who wants to sympathize with someone who has lost a child is to say “I honestly don’t know how you feel because everyone is different but I can greave with you and love you while you greave.”
Yes! Such a great suggestion! I completely agree. Everyone grieves so differently and unfortunately that is what makes it hard for individuals to know how to support. Open honest communication, love and grace are all important tools when walking with anyone in the grieving process. Grief is a very hard and therefore no one should have to walk it alone. Thank you so much for sharing.